The Foolish Misadventures and Mistakes of one Scotty Fennell

 My entire life I have tried to be what society considers as normal. But while people tell you to be yourself it never ends well for me being the person I am in front of other people. It is like I can never be the true me, because I am not normal I have never been normal. I honestly do not have that inner capability . When I was very young I promised to be the very honest version of myself as I could, only to learn that society while it says it values honesty actually wants the lie. I have been thinking a lot and I hate this, but I have lost everything in being the most honest and human version of myself. Mom was right in trying to get me to wear a mask. My sister is a master of wearing that mask of being super fake. I honestly do not know how she can live with herself. I always thought God wanted us to be honest. But it could be I am a fool expecting something that does not exist. God Help me. 

Sitting here after a job interview of a job I know I won't get. Next door was a mall. So I went to walk around, nice place their food court has a Sbarro's. So I grabbed a few slices and a drink and sank back into the memories of my youth. All I can think about is how I have wasted my life chasing certain things. The idea of shopping at certain stores of being so knowledgeable about shit would make people respect me. Nah. I am a joke to everyone I meet. The jester instead of a respectable man. The fool who is easily dismissed. Right now trying to rebuild my life after losing almost everything. It is not easy. But no one really gives a flying fuck about me anyway.

 The most frustrating thing about my life changing event is the lack of empathy and understanding from people about what you are going through. Also how quickly people abandon you when you are at your lowest. Shows you the true face of individual humanity and that the selfish nature we are told to avoid is the correct nature to be. It is what you lose that really hurts. The struggle to regain the life you lose the attempt to find some level of normalcy. only to find out the way you were can never really be ever again. Honestly the most hurtful thing is the abandonment by people who you thought were your friends. You figure out that the favors and sacrifice's you made for those people was at best a waste of energy.  That you should ultimately do for you. Helping others is the great mistake that will cost you. I am not my Father or my Grandfather who people loved. I am someone people love to hate. The person people seem to enjoy watching their downfall. What I need to be is 100%...

 When I was younger I asked god for wisdom. I wanted to be as wise at those great men that had come before like Grant,  Marcus Aurelius or even Solomon. I did not ask for power or greatness. I think I asked God for the wrong thing. Maybe I should have asked for riches and power. Sadly the wisdom I got seems useless. To many people I am a fool. a loser. I don't know what God wants with me and why he has kept me around when better people have passed on. All I do is piss people off. I don't know anymore. I wish I could understand his plan for me. Because I am scared and tired. 

 The one thing I can not stand is people who act if they have some power over people. Even when I had my house and had renters I tried to be kind and not be on some power trip. Sure I commented on certain shit I did not like, but I tried to be fair. My current living situation is not a long term thing. When I was in the hospital in Sept Hippy can into my hospital room telling me some BS about the lease and how I am not one it and I technically cant be there and blah blah blah. My other problem is that I am always buying stuff for people. I think they appreciate it, but I am starting to think they don't. I feel like I am always being used because I am too kind. I am always going on about how I am not a good person. I hate to say it but it is true. Should I be colder and more unkind. Stop trying to be a good person and stop always being there for people. Be more unkind, Be the evil POS person people think I am. Be the Villain.